december: just another day.

11:12pm

its 16th december, which is my birthday. a day that i want to skip. a day that got me breakdown into anxiety the night before. 

to be honest, i'm tired. i want this pain to end. i can't stop myself from wishing to be gone every single day. i hate to wake up the next day so i will keep on sleeping until i can't sleep anymore. i don't want to wake up. to go through the next day, to push myself doing something. i'm tired. i am truly tired..

my parents, siblings keep on telling me to do something and stop wasting my time. i know they told me so because they cares. but the voices in my head just make it worst. i can't seems to take what they said positively. i hate myself. i always always hate myself. the urge to harm myself everytime, i don't know how long i can hold it.

i'm turning 21 this year yet i still being a burden to everyone. what should i do. what should i do more to make this pain end. i'm too tired to putting a happy face. having myself to hide my true feelings, i'm afraid it will blow up one day. i might not hurting myself physically but what about mentally. i verbally abuse myself. yes, i abuse myself. i hurt my damn self. i want to open up what i feel, but there's nobody that i can truly trust. i rather keep everything myself.

today, my family celebrated my birthday. i was happy but at the same time this guilty feelings inside keep increasing. i almost cry in front of them. i shouldn't do that so i swallowed it. i'm sorry, i'm not a good daughter as you think i am. i still struggling. i'm sorry, but thank you so much.

i'm sorry. i just can't continue writing this..

thank you for the wishes. have a nice day ahead :) until next time.

11:40pm