november: how i'm doing now?

10:06 pm

i can't believe that i will use this blog again tho i stop on 2018 but for some reasons i'm here now, writing. 

it's been almost 3 years since i meet psychiatrist. i can't say that i'm doing fine now coz it still there. every night i'm struggling to have a peaceful sleep, every day i will fight with my own mind so that i can keep this "happy" face. i'm tired, i wish how it will stop, but does that even happen? am i have to be gone too just to end this pain? 

now, since i stop working i still wake up with heavy feelings. i try to have my day like i've planned the night before but nothing work. i will just end up lying on my bed, playing with my phone or sleep. i try to continue journaling coz there's like so many blank pages but again it only took me less than 20 mins to do it. i will feel unmotivated again. and coz of that, i kinda afraid of this online class things. i mean to wake up with those feelings, enter the class with empty mind i might end getting nothing. 

but still i keep trying to get myself together again. i know that it won't last long coz this has happened before but i wanna do it. i just can't let myself drown with thoughts. i wanna live like everyone else like do the things they like and so on. i wanna do those too. 

and that makes me watching anime again. i enjoy a lot! i laugh and cry while watching anime, it's funny tho but isn't it good? :) 

i don't have any idea how this will last but please wish me stay longer. i just want to get out from the dark for awhile. i wanna take a breathe and enjoy my day peacefully and happily. so please god, let this last long. please..

10:31pm