t h o u g h t s

11:12pm its 16th december, which is my birthday. a day that i want to skip. a day that got me breakdown into anxiety the night before.  to be honest, i'm tired. i want this pain to end. i can't stop myself from wishing to be gone every single day. i hate to wake up the next day so i will keep on sleeping until i can't sleep anymore. i don't want to wake up. to go through the next day, to push myself doing something. i'm tired. i am truly tired.. my parents, siblings keep on telling me to do something and stop wasting my time. i know they told me so because they cares. but the voices in my head just make it worst. i can't seems to take what they said positively. i hate myself. i always always hate myself. the urge to harm myself everytime, i don't know how long i can hold it. i'm turning 21 this year yet i still being a burden to everyone. what should i do. what should i do more to make this pain end. i'm too tired to putting a happy face. having myse...

10:06 pm i can't believe that i will use this blog again tho i stop on 2018 but for some reasons i'm here now, writing.  it's been almost 3 years since i meet psychiatrist. i can't say that i'm doing fine now coz it still there. every night i'm struggling to have a peaceful sleep, every day i will fight with my own mind so that i can keep this "happy" face. i'm tired, i wish how it will stop, but does that even happen? am i have to be gone too just to end this pain?  now,  since i stop working i still wake up with heavy feelings. i try to have my day like i've planned the night before but nothing work. i will just end up lying on my bed, playing with my phone or sleep. i try to continue journaling coz there's like so many blank pages but again it only took me less than 20 mins to do it. i will feel unmotivated again. and coz of that, i kinda afraid of this online class things. i mean to wake up with those feelings, enter the class with empt...